She Drives Like Crazy
by Red Witch
Summary: The X-Men are faced with their most frightening challenge ever! Kitty has a learner's permit and no one is safe! Who will survive? How will the madness end?! R&R the completed fic!
1. Logan's Run

**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters was run over by Kitty. So how did those driving sessions go in 'X-Treme Measures'? Just remember to buckle your seat belt. You are in for a very bumpy ride!**

**She Drives Like Crazy**

**Chapter 1: Logan's Run. **

Logan was bored. Things had been far too quiet. There hadn't been a decent fight for over two months. During the time he was helping rebuild the mansion he was able to put some of his frustration into working. But now that the mansion had been rebuilt for a few weeks and everyone moved in, he was frustrated. He needed some action. He should have remembered the phrase, 'Be careful what you wish for.' 

He had overheard Xavier talking to Scott and Jean about some kind of dangerous mission and immediately volunteered. His first clue should have been how quickly the two teenagers allowed him to take over. "So what need doin'?" Logan asked. "Some explosives involved?"

"Hopefully not," Xavier showed him the keys to the X-Van.

Logan gave him a look. "What is that?"

"These are the keys to the X-Van," Xavier said. 

"I know what they are," Logan looked at him. "Why are you giving them to me?" 

"I need you to give Kitty a driving lesson," Xavier told him.

"That's what all the talk was about?" Logan felt annoyed. "Because nobody wants to teach the Half-Pint?" 

"Well, she does tend to be a bit…overly enthusiastic at times," Xavier said.

"Look I admit she can be a pain but come on Chuck," Logan grabbed the keys. "It's not exactly the most dangerous assignment on the planet." He walked out.

"Famous last words," Xavier smirked.

************************************************************************

"This is so cool!" Kitty squealed as she buckled herself in. "I get my very first lesson in the X-Van! I love it!" 

"Yeah, yeah," Logan said reluctantly getting in. "Just take it easy Half Pint. We'll just go for a slow drive around the block a couple of times."

"Aw come on," Kitty pouted. "I'm not a little kid you know. I can handle more than that. By the way you need to put on your seat belt."

Logan raised an eyebrow. "I don't need it."

"Yes you do," Kitty said. "A safe driver always makes sure the passengers have their seat belt buckles on."

"I don't need it." 

"Yes you do," Kitty told him. "I'm not moving an inch until you buckle up."

"Fine by me," Logan folded his arms. 

"Come on Logan. You're supposed to be setting a good example for me."

"Fine," Logan grumbled as he did so. "I'm buckled up. Now the first thing you need to do is pull slowly away from the curb."

Kitty revved up the van and pulled away with a squeal. "Yeah! Let's go get some burgers!" Kitty shouted with glee. 

"Kitty…" Logan said in a very worried tone as they headed for the mansion gates. "Wait for the gate! WAIT FOR THE GATE!" 

Kitty easily phased the X-Van through the gates. "Who needs the gate?" Kitty asked. 

As they rounded the corner Logan was just starting to appreciate having his seat belt on. "Kitty slow down! The speed limit is 35!" 

"Logan relax that's the recommended limit," She told him. "You can probably drive a lot faster! Hang on!" She sped up.

"NO! NO! THAT'S NOT WHAT IT MEANS!" Logan clutched the dashboard for dear life. 

"Hey watch it!" Kitty snapped as she cut off a driver. "I had the right of way you know! Sheesh! Some people are such road hogs!" 

"They set me up," Logan grumbled. "Those jerks set me up." 

"Hey that's a yellow light up ahead," Kitty noticed. "Don't worry, we can make it!" She gunned the engine. 

"I'm gonna kill 'em," Logan moaned. "I'm gonna kill 'em."

"Told ya we'd make it. Hang on," Kitty said as they sped around the corner. Only two wheels touched the road. 

"IF I DON'T DIE FIRST!" Logan screamed. "KITTY WE'RE GONNA CRASH!" 

"Uh oh," Kitty realized she was too close to a pickup truck. She phased the van right through. "Well that's one way of passing somebody," She said, not realizing that the truck had veered off the road and fell into a ditch. 

"Kitty…" Logan told her. "You should not do that!"

"Why not?" She asked. "It's fun! And it's a lot faster! Let's pass this guy!" She phased through another car. "Wow what a rush! Having mutant powers rocks!" 

"You have definitely spent too much time with Avalanche," Logan grumbled. "Watch the car on the right! Watch it!" 

They phased through it as well. The driver screamed something at them. "Hey did you hear that guy?" Kitty snapped. "There's no need for language like that! Hey there's the burger joint!"

"Nothing for me," Logan muttered. "My stomach can't handle it. Kitty watch it! Watch it!" They squealed into the parking lot. "KITTY DON'T PHASE THROUGH THE LINE! NO! NO! STOP IT!" 

"MOVE IT ROAD HOGS!" Kitty snapped. She then drove right into the speaker for the drive through. "Aw man. That's gonna leave a mark." 

"Let's forget the burgers and get out of here!" Logan groaned.

"Oh all right," Kitty said as she raced out of the parking lot. "Hey that guy nearly cut me off!"

"Kitty he had the right of way!" Logan snapped.

"Hey doesn't he know it should be ladies first?" Kitty snapped. She weaved in and out of traffic. "Look at that guy! He's talking on his cell phone! Doesn't he like know how dangerous that is?" She cut in front of him.

"He's probably calling 9-1-1," Logan moaned. 

"Well still it's totally irritating," Kitty snapped as she weaved through the cars, causing several of them to veer off the road. "Why don't people watch where they're going?" 

"Probably too busy watching their lives flash before their eyes," Logan was now starting to sweat from fear. "Where are we going?"

"On the freeway," Kitty said. "I want to practice."

"NO!" Logan shouted as loud as he could. "TURN THIS VAN AROUND RIGHT NOW! I MEAN IT!" 

"Fine," Kitty pouted. They were nearing a tollbooth. She used her powers to phase through the tollbooth and turn around. Logan could have sworn he heard the sound of money depositing somewhere in the engine. 

"Hey," Kitty looked down at the floor. "I think some of the money must have phased right through and gotten stuck in the van. Neat."

"WATCH THE ROAD!" Logan screamed. "WATCH IT!" The van drove over a street corner. 

"Got it! Oops," Kitty blinked when she saw that the stop sign and a street sign had been stuck into the van. "I think I mistimed my phase!" 

"You think?" Logan moaned. "Just take us home! Now!"

Soon what was left of the X-Van phased through the mansion's gates and rattled into the driveway. "Whoo Hoo!" Kitty squealed happily as she jumped out of the van. "That was totally awesome! I so have the hang of this!" She kept babbling on about how rude some drivers were and kept asking when the next lesson would be. Logan ignored her and stormed into the mansion. 

The first person he saw was Xavier. It took all the self-control he had not to claw him to pieces right there when Xavier asked how the lesson went. "Scott and Jean are right, I owe them one," He snarled. "And I owe you too Chuck!" 

Logan stomped into the kitchen. "I need a beer. God I need a beer." He threw open the refrigerator door and looked inside. "Okay where is the beer? I need the beer. WHO TOOK MY BEER?" 

"Uh," Hank looked at him. "There isn't any."

"WHAT?" Logan snapped.

"Charles thought it would be best to throw out all the alcohol in the fridge," Hank explained. "So not to tempt the children."

"Oh he did, did he?" Logan had a very dangerous look on his face. "Oh he is gonna pay. Mark my words he is gonna pay!" He started to laugh insanely. 

"Oh dear," Hank gulped. "This is not good." 

**Next up: Scott learns the hard way what happens when he lets Kitty drive! **


	2. Summers and the Speed Racer

**This next chapter is in script form because it's easier. Think of it as a video. The song is Weird Al's parody 'She Drives Like Crazy' of the song 'She Drives Me Crazy' by the Fine Young Cannibals. It's on the UHF soundtrack. It just seemed perfect at the time. **

**Summers and the Speed Racer**

**(Scott and Kitty are in his car.) **

Kitty: This is so cool! I can't wait to drive! Let's go! 

Scott: Kitty, slow down! You need to wait for the gate to open up!

Kitty: No I don't. Watch this! **(She phases through the gate.) **Cool huh?

Scott: I'm gonna die. **(The music starts) **

__

Where'd you learn how to steer?

You do eighty in second gear!

When you drive I can't relax!

Got your license from Cracker Jacks

**(Kitty runs over someone's lawn and mows over a small tree.) **

__

You just hit another tree

These fender benders are killin' me!

She drives like crazy!

Like no one else!

She drives like crazy! 

And I'm afraid for myself! 

**(Kitty is oblivious, happily weaving in and out of lanes, causing havoc on the road.) **

_They'll put you behind bars_

We're not playing bumper cars!

**(Kitty swerves the car around very quickly.) **

Kitty: _Did a great figure eight!_

Scott: _In the middle of the interstate!_

Tires squeal wherever we go

**(A hitchhiker on the street sees them and runs away screaming.) **

__

Even hitchhikers just say no! 

Hitchhiker: **(Jumps in a tree to escape the car.) **_She drives like crazy!_

Her car's a mess!

She drives like crazy! 

She's got a death wish I guess!

Scott: _She's a demon behind the wheel_

Thinks she's driving the Batmobile

Burning rubber in school zones

Running over the traffic cones

Passing semis on the right

Now my knuckles are turning white!

She drives like crazy

She'll break our necks

She drives like crazy

She always gets into wrecks

Kitty: I do not! Hang on! **(The car flies over a bump.) **

Scott: _She drives like crazy!_

Like no one else!

She drives like crazy!

Now I'm afraid for myself!

**(By now a cop car is chasing them. Kitty simply phases through a few houses to escape them.) **

__

She drives like crazy!

Like no one else 

She drives like crazy

And I'm afraid for myself! 

**(Cut to later in the day. Jean comes in and finds Scott stumbling in.) **

Jean: So how did the driving lesson go? Scott? Scott?

Scott: **(Curling up into a fetal position on the couch) **Car bad…very bad. 

Jean: Scott are you okay? 

Scott: DO I LOOK OKAY? DO I LOOK OKAY? DO I? 

Jean: Scott I'm sorry.

Scott: You will be. I will get you for this Jean, I swear as long as it takes that you will pay for this. The only goal in my life right now is to make you feel the way I feel right now! **(He starts laughing maniacally.) **

Jean: Uh…maybe I should get you some aspirin or something. 

Scott: I just figured out a way to beat Magneto. It's brilliant. We just make him give Kitty a driving lesson! Ha! HA! HAHAHAHA! 

**(Logan comes in with a drink in his hand and sees the situation.) **

Logan: Let me guess? Kitty right? 

Jean: Yeah. I'm gonna get him something. **(Runs out.) **

Logan: I got something right here! Take a sip kid, you have earned this! **(Gives Scott a sip of his drink. Obviously it is stronger than water.) **

Scott: She tricked me! Jean tricked me! I thought she loved me but she tricked me!

Logan: Okay, those telepaths are going down! 


	3. Driving Charles Xavier

**Admit it, you've all been waiting for this….**

Driving Charles Xavier

Xavier buckled in after his meeting with Sharp. He hoped that that would be the last he would have to hear about Poweraide. He was glad that Logan stayed behind otherwise he probably would have gutted Sharp. "Logan," He said. "Let's go home." 

To his horror he saw Kitty wearing a chauffeur's cap in the driver's seat. "Logan said I could drive!" She said cheerfully. "Hang on, we'll be there in a jiffy!" 

As the limo pulled away from the curb with a squeal, Xavier pressed his face and hands on the window. "NOOOOO!" He moaned as he looked for any assistance. There was none. 

"Isn't this great?" Kitty asked as she cut off a passing car. 

"Kitty how…?" Xavier asked.

"Oh it was all Mr. Logan's idea," Kitty told him. "I hid in the trunk while he drove you down and when you went inside to talk to Mr. Sharp I came out. HEY MOVE IT BUDDY!" She honked the horn furiously. "He said it was gonna be a surprise! Are you surprised?"

"Surprised is not the word," Xavier gulped as they tore down the street. "Where is Logan?"

"Oh he decided to run back to the mansion," She told him. "He said it was healthier for him. I guess he decided to go on a health kick or something." 

"Or something," Xavier's stomach started to feel queasy. "Watch the car! Watch the car!"

"Relax Professor we had like an inch or so," She said as she skidded past the car. "Plenty of room! Hey did Logan tell you what I can do? Watch this!" 

Professor Xavier felt like he was going to faint when Kitty revved up the engine and then charged towards another car. The next thing he knew he was being driven through it and looking at some very confused elderly people. "I can phase through cars while driving!" Kitty exclaimed happily. "How cool is that?"

"Kitty you can't use your powers so recklessly!" Xavier yelped.

"Oh please," Kitty said. "I use my powers to avoid accidents. How can phasing through cars cause any damage?" Apparently she didn't notice the car she had phased through crash into a mailbox. 

"Kitty! I'm already in a wheelchair! I don't need to be paralyzed!" Xavier moaned. 

"Oh relax Professor," Kitty waved. "I love this! First the X-Van, then Scott's car and now a limo! I am like the luckiest girl on the planet!" 

"And I am the most miserable man on the planet," Xavier muttered under his breath as Kitty passed a car by driving on the sidewalk. 

"Boy some people are really rude!" She snapped. "They're probably just jealous of people who ride in limos."

"In my case they shouldn't be," Xavier moaned. "Kitty please slow down! Slow down! Kitty! KITTY GET OFF THE LAWN! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT! NO! DON'T DRIVE DOWN THAT STREET IT'S A ONE WAY STREET! NO DON'T PHASE THROUGH THE HOUSE! AAGGGGGGHHH!" 

"What you wanted me to cause an accident?" Kitty asked.

"You mean another accident," Xavier moaned. 

"Relax that was a short cut and there wasn't anybody home," Kitty waved. "Professor do you have something in your eye or something? Why are you crying?" 

"Why couldn't Logan just kill me and get it over with?" Xavier wept. 

"Professor you shouldn't be so nervous," Kitty said. "I'm doing fine!"

"You have a strange definition of the word fine," Xavier yelped as they nearly ran a red light. 

"Here we are!" Kitty sang out as they drove through the gates (literally of course). "We're home!"

"Thank god," Xavier groaned as the limo skidded to a halt.

"I think I'm getting better," Kitty said. "There's hardly any scrapes on the limo! Oh hi Mr. Logan!" She got out and waved. "Did you see me? I drove! I'm gonna go tell Rogue!" She skipped off. 

"Have a nice ride Chuck?" Logan cackled.

"You…" Xavier growled as he lowered his wheelchair to the ground using the limo's specially designed equipment. 

"Yeah," Logan snickered. "Told you I owed you one!" 

"Fine," Xavier groaned. "We're even. Can I die now?" 

"Here," Logan handed him a flask of scotch. 

"Thank you," Xavier gulped it down. "And I promise I will keep a heavy stock of beer and other alcoholic beverages in the private study so all the teachers will use it!" 

"With the Half-Pint and the others we're gonna need it," Logan groaned. 

"The other students," Xavier moaned. "Oh god I forgot about them!" He took another swig. "Kitty's bad enough!" 

"But now who's gonna teach her? I don't think Jean can take more than one lesson. She needs someone with patience. A lot of patience…" Logan blinked. 

It hit them both at the same time. ***_Storm…would you see me in my study later on?*_** Xavier sent a telepathic message. 


	4. Stormy Weather

**Stormy Weather**

A few days after Evan had left the X-Men, Ororo was sitting drinking coffee in the kitchen. "Hey Storm," Kitty said as she walked in. "How are you feeling?" 

"Oh a little less like a complete failure," She sighed.

"It wasn't your fault," Kitty said. "He'll come back."

"You're right," She sighed. "I'm sure he'll come back soon." 

"I know what will cheer you up!" Kitty said. "A trip to the mall! I'll drive!"

"Kitty wait!" Ororo yelped as she grabbed her by the arm and yanked her down the hallway. 

"We'll take the limo!" She said cheerfully. 

"We will not!" Ororo shouted. 

"Oh come on Storm live a little."

"Actually I'd like to live a lot longer," Ororo moaned as she grabbed her purse just as Kitty dragged her out to the garage. "Kitty I have a better idea. I'll drive to the mall in my car and we'll practice when we get there. How about that?" 

"Okay," Kitty agreed. "But I get to drive home!"

"We'll see," Ororo said. Then she said under her breath. "Depending how much sanity I have left." 

The trip to the mall was rather quiet. Ororo maneuvered the car to an empty section of the parking lot. "Now Kitty I think we should do something simple, like practice parking," She told her as they exchanged sides. "I just want to make sure you have the basics." 

"Relax Storm I like totally have this down to a perfect science!" Kitty waved. She then spun the car around several times. "See? I can do seven perfect turns in a row!" 

"I lost Evan," Ororo moaned. "Haven't I suffered enough?" 

"Don't worry!" Kitty said. "You'll always have me!"

"That's not exactly comforting right now," Ororo gulped. "SLOW DOWN!" 

"I'm only going 55 miles per hour."

"JUST SLOW DOWN!" 

"Okay! Okay! Sheesh! Don't be such a grouch," She slowed down. "Let's try some parallel parking!"

"Oh no," Storm gulped as Kitty saw a space between two cars. Her heart leapt into her throat as she gunned the engine. "KITTY!"

"Watch this!" She did a fast turn. Unfortunately the space wasn't big enough and she hit both cars. "Oops. I guess I should have phased huh?" 

"Maybe I could join Evan with the Morlocks," She moaned. "They don't have cars…" 

**Next up: Hank goes into the line of fire. And even worse, a few other mutants tag along for the ride! **


	5. Hard Times For Hank

**Hard Times for Hank**

"Why did I let Storm talk me into this?" Hank muttered. "Oh yes, I remember. She threatened to fry me to a crisp if I didn't."

Kitty gave him a look. "Oh come on Mr. McCoy, how bad can it be being a driving instructor? I think that was a great idea of the Professors to have a driving class on the Institute's grounds." 

"Yes remind me to thank the good Professor for that idea," Hank sighed as he got into the car. "Now Kitty remember this is a new car Professor Xavier bought just so we could have a car to drive in. Mainly because all the other cars are currently having repairs done." 

"Gee I wonder how that could have happened?" Bobby asked snickering. In the backseat of the car were Bobby, Kurt and Amara.

"Shut up Popsicle Breath!" Kitty snapped. 

"You wanna piece of me?" Bobby snapped.

"Bring it on!" Kitty made a fist.

"Now wait a minute," Kurt said. "Nobody wants to fight!" 

"Why not?" Amara asked. 

"This is gonna be such a fun day," Hank muttered. "Maybe it would have been less painful if she did fry me to a crisp." He paused a second to listen to the kids bickering in the back seat. "All right that's enough! All of you! Let's try to get through this as painlessly as possible shall we? Okay Kitty, we'll start with you."

"Why is Kitty going first?" Kurt asked. 

"Because I have a permit so there!" She stuck out her tongue at him. Kurt started making faces back. 

"That's enough!" Hank was definitely thinking about investing in migraine medicine stock. "Just pull out slowly and we'll start doing laps around the driveway. I SAID SLOWLY KITTY!" 

"All right!" Bobby cried out. "Burn rubber baby!"

"I don't feel so good," Amara gulped. 

"You're not the only one," Kurt clung to the doorhandle. 

"Let's practice our turns shall we?" Hank sighed. "NOT TOO SHARP! NOT TOO SHARP! SLOW DOWN!" 

"Where's the fun in that?" Bobby asked.

"I think I'm starting to turn green," Kurt moaned.

"Is this car equipped with airsick bags?" Amara cried. 

"Oh come on," Kitty said as she turned. "I'm not that bad a driver."

"Yes you are!" Amara shouted.

"Mr. McCoy tell them I made that turn perfectly!" Kitty asked.

"Well you did do that turn quite well," Hank admitted.

"See!" Kitty exclaimed. 

"There is one thing I should mention," Hank said. "You really need to have all four wheels on the ground as you turn. Okay?" 

"HA!" Amara said.

"Oh really! Well watch this!" Kitty gunned the engine again.

"Kitty," Hank gulped. "What are you doing? You're not going to do what I think you are going to do are you? Kitty? KITTY WATCH THE GATE! WATCH THE GATE! AHHHHHHH!" 

"That was awesome!" Bobby shouted with glee. "I love it when you phase through stuff!"

"You're the only one who does," Hank moaned. "Kitty what are you doing? We're not supposed to leave the Institute!"

"Oh come on Mr. McCoy lighten up!" Kitty said. 

"Yeah let's party!" Bobby leaned over and tried to turn on the radio.

"NO RADIO!" Hank shouted. "Kitty turn this car around right now and take us back to the Institute right now!"

"Oh all right," Kitty turned the car around. "Spoilsport. Happy now?"

"I'd be happier if we weren't driving through the woods!" Hank moaned as several twigs and branches bounced off the car. "KITTY WATCH OUT FOR THE TREE!" 

"I got it!" She phased right through it.

"I'm gonna die," Kurt moaned. 

"You are not!" Kitty turned around.

"KITTY EYES IN FRONT!" Hank screamed. "WATCH OUT!" He unbuckled his seatbelt and leapt out of the car in record time. Kurt grabbed Bobby and Amara and teleported as Kitty drove the car into the Institute's wall. 

Fortunately Kitty managed to phase herself out just before she could get hurt. "Oops," She gulped. 

"Thanks a lot Pryde!" Bobby snapped. "I didn't even get a turn!"

"Thank god for small favors," Kurt wobbled to the trees to cough up his lunch. 

"The car…" Hank blinked in horror as he saw the wreck. 

"Wow I didn't know a car could catch on fire that fast," Kitty blinked.

"I'll put it out," Bobby used his powers to chill out the car. 

"I think I need to lie down," Amara groaned. 

"Okay so I had a little accident but I think I was doing pretty well," Kitty said nervously.

"Are you joking?" Amara gasped. "Please tell me she was joking!" 

"So uh, when's our next lesson?" Kitty asked. 

"Yeah next time I get to drive first!" Bobby said. 

"CLASS DISMISSED!" Hank screamed at the top of his lungs. "PERMANENTLY!" 


	6. Gotta Be Mean to Jean

**Admit it, you knew this was coming too. Especially after that little scene in 'X-Treme Measures'. **

**Gotta Be Mean to Jean**

"Hey Jean," Scott called out from the door. "Can you help me in the kitchen for a sec?"

"Sure," Jean walked up to him. "What's the problem?" 

"Actually you're the one who's got the problem," Scott shoved her inside. "Sorry Jean, it's either you or me and this time it's not gonna be me!" He slammed the door behind her and locked it.

To her horror Jean found herself face to face with Kitty. "Hey Jean!" She said cheerfully. "Scott said you'd come with me for a practice drive this afternoon."

"Scott!" Jean pounded on the door furiously. "YOU ARE SO DEAD MISTER!" Scott did not answer her, but kept laughing maniacally. 

"Oh come on," Kitty pulled on her arm as they phased out the door. "You two can fight later! Let's drive!"

"Bye, Bye Jean! Have fun!" Scott laughed and waved. He then ran down the hallway with his fists raised in the air. "REVENGE IS SO SWEET! HAHAHAHA!" 

"What is with Scott?" Kitty asked as they got into the newly repaired X-Van.

"Nothing compared to what is going to happen to Scott when I get a hold of him," Jean muttered. "Okay Kitty now let's pull out slowly and I SAID SLOWLY! WAIT! WAIT! STOOOOPPP!" 

The van skidded to a halt. "What?" Kitty frowned.

"What part of slowly did you not understand?" Jean snapped. 

"Did you and Scott have a fight or something?" Kitty asked. "You are in a really bad mood."

"Not yet but we will," Jean grimaced. "Now Kitty, slowly…I cannot emphasize this enough, **slowly **drive down the driveway. Wait for the gate to open. Do not phase through it or the walls and go out into the street. Got it?" 

"Fine," Kitty did so. "Happy?" 

"Yes," Jean breathed a sigh of relief. "Now ease your way into the street. I SAID EASE YOUR WAY! NOT DRIVE OFF AT 70 MILES PER HOUR!"

"Jean you're exaggerating. I'm only driving 65 miles per hour."

"NOT IN A RESIDENTIAL ZONE! KITTY! KITTY! WATCH OUT FOR THE CAR!" 

"Which car?"

"ANY CAR!" Jean screamed. "SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SLOW DOWN!"

"You don't have to scream you know I can hear you."

"Yeah but you're not listening to me!" Jean's knuckles were turning white as Kitty nearly caused a collision with another vehicle. 

"You know you really should calm down," Kitty told her. "I've improved a lot since I last drove."

"Well considering the last time you drove the car into a wall I should hope so," Jean whimpered.

"That was an accident anyone could make," Kitty swerved around several cars.

"An accident any psychotic nutcase would make," Jean muttered underneath her breath. 

"Look just watch as I make a turn into this street," Kitty did so. "Now that wasn't so bad now was it?" 

"No it wasn't. Just one little thing," Jean sighed. "This is a one way street."

"Well I can take care of that," Kitty revved up the car. 

"This is gonna be one of your infamous short cuts isn't it?" Jean moaned. Kitty sped the car through a wall using her powers. 

"You gotta admit that was fun!" Kitty laughed. 

"Why do you hate me God?" Jean moaned. 

"Let's drive through the park," Kitty said as they turned in. "They have a nice driving area that cars pass though."

"KITTY THAT'S A SIDEWALK!" Jean screamed as she watched people dodging the van. 

"Really?" Kitty said as she drove through. "I could have sworn I've seen cars drive on this."

"Just turn around! Turn around! Watch out for that hot dog stand!" Jean screamed. 

"I got it!" Kitty phased right through it. "See no problem. Not even a scratch."

"Oh really?" Jean glared at her. Ketchup and mustard stains were all over her shirt.

"Oops," Kitty said. 

"That's it! I want you to pull over!" Jean snapped.

"Fine I'll just go over here," Kitty turned around with a swerve. 

"KITTY WE'RE GONNA HIT THAT WALL!" Jean screamed.

"NO WE ARE NOT!" Kitty snapped. "CHILL OUT!" She used her powers to phase through the wall. "See? Uh oh!" 

The next thing they both knew they were inside a small lake. "Well at least we didn't hit the wall," Kitty gulped as the water started to seep inside the van. 

Jean used her powers to levitate the van out of the lake. "THAT'S IT!" She screamed. "We're flying home!" She levitated the van into the air, startling some very confused people at the park. 

Not long after Jean stomped into the mansion. Her feet made squishing sounds as she walked and she was covered with stains. "So did you have fun?" Scott snickered.

"Scott Summers…" Jean growled. "PREPARE TO DIE!" She chased after him.

Xavier wheeled himself out in the hallway and saw Scott laughing while Jean was chasing him, throwing anything she could get her hands on at him. "I can't take much more of this," He moaned, putting his head into his hands. 

****

Who will be next on the casualty list? Wait and see! 


	7. Crash Car Kelly

**You know I just realized something. It's been far too long since I wrote some decent Kelly torture. Well we can't have that now can we? I mean doesn't he deserve it for using the Brotherhood and kicking them out of school? All together now…yes he does! **

**Crash Car Kelly**

Principal Kelly sighed as he headed out to the parking lot. Life was not easy for the principal of Bayville High. Especially with all the mutants running wild in the town. For one thing, it made getting new teachers impossible. No one wanted to teach at a school that had mutants in it. Several teachers had already resigned. That meant the remaining teachers had to pull double duty and teach several classes. Kelly himself was forced to take over the Driver's Ed classes when the previous instructor ran off to Alaska to devote his life to carving wooden animals. 

"Great," He sighed as he looked over the roster. "I get to teach another little lunatic how **not** to crash into people. Oh goody. And today's candidate is…Kitty Pryde! Wonderful! I get to teach one of the Institute Freaks!" 

He took a deep breath. Although he didn't like the mutants in general, Kitty seemed to be the least psychotic of them. She didn't seem so violent. "Well at least she's not as nuts as the rest of them. This shouldn't be too bad." 

There she sat in the driver's seat of the student car, looking annoyingly perky. "Hi there Principal Kelly."

"Miss Pryde," Kelly sat down in the car, not trying very hard to keep the annoyance out of his voice. 

"I think you'll be really pleased. I mean I have been practicing a lot since I last did this with Mr. Onslow," Kitty told him. 

"Okay," Just then Kelly decided to review the notes. "Let's just see what he had to write about…" He blinked and dropped his jaw.

"Is there something wrong Principal Kelly?" Kitty asked.

"Oh no," He gulped. "I just never seen a teacher's notes written in blood before." 

"It was like a total freak accident we ran into that rosebush," Kitty explained. "And it was only a little baby cut." 

"I see. Now how fast were you going when Mr. Onslow jumped out of the car?" Kelly asked.

"Only 65 miles per hour," She shrugged. "I mean I'd only gone a few feet and he went totally nuts."

"I see. Did you go over anything with him? Anything at all?"

"Well we covered the two ways of stopping," Kitty said. 

"Two ways?" 

"Well there's the regular way and the one I figured out on my own."

"And what is that?" 

"Throwing it in reverse," Kitty said matter of factly.

"Yes that will do it," Kelly saw his chances of surviving the semester slipping even further. "Why don't we just start by pulling slowly out away from the curb and…DON'T GUN THE ENGINE LIKE THAT!" 

"Sorry," Kitty gulped.

"What were you thinking?" Kelly snapped. "Don't you realize how dangerous that is! Slow down! Slow down!" 

"Don't yell at me!" Kitty whined. "You're making me nervous!"

"**I'm **making **you **feel nervous?" Kelly yelped. 

"Well it's not like I'm using my powers or anything," Kitty said. 

"That is not really what I am afraid of at this moment," Kelly whimpered. "WATCH THE ROAD! WATCH IT YOU LITTLE MANIAC!" 

"Don't yell at me!" Kitty snapped. "I'm trying very hard! This is scary!" 

"You have that right," Kelly was turning whiter than usual. "SLOW DOWN! WATCH OUT FOR THE CAR! WATCH OUT FOR THE CYCLIST! WATCH OUT FOR THE FIRE HYDRANT! AAGGGGHHH!"

The car suddenly came to a screeching halt. Kelly was thrown violently forward. "What did you stop for?" He snapped.

"I didn't want to hit the squirrel," Kitty told him pointing to the little animal scampering to the side of the road.

Kelly grunted and began to grind his teeth. "Oh heaven **forbid** we harm as stupid squirrel! Next time run the damn thing over!"

"You shouldn't swear at me!" Kitty whimpered. "That's abuse!"

"Oh and nearly killing your principal isn't?" Kelly snapped. There was the sound of several honking horns. "Kitty you're blocking the road! Move the car!"

"Not until you apologize to me!" Kitty folded her arms.

"Apologize to **you?**" Kelly yelped. "Not a chance!"

"Hey!" A driver shouted. "What's the holdup pal?"

"Move it already!" Another driver snapped.

"Hey pal is there a problem?" Someone walked up to the car.

"Yeah the problem is that he's being mean to me for no reason!" Kitty snapped.

"No reason other than you're a stupid little girl who…" Kelly turned around and saw that the person who approached the vehicle was actually a female cop. 

"Who what sir?" She asked in a very icy tone.

"Should be more careful when driving officer," Kelly gulped.

"He wanted me to run over a squirrel!" Kitty told her tears were forming in her eyes. 

"No, don't cry! Don't cry!" Kelly held up his hands. "Officer there's been a misunderstanding!"

"He's being abusive to me!" Kitty cried. "No misunderstanding about that!"

"Is that true sir?" The female cop asked.

"No, no," Kelly told the cop.

"Oh yes he is," Kitty said.

"Will you shut up you little freak?" Kelly growled.

"You heard him!" Kitty pointed. "You're a witness!"

"Sir I'd like to see your drivers license please," The female cop asked.

"No she really is a freak officer," Kelly protested. "She's a mutant!"

"That's no excuse for abuse!" The cop snapped. 

"Right on officer!" Kitty said.

"But…But…" Kelly started to protest.

"Your license please," She droned. 

"Fine…I…" He fumbled in his wallet. "Oh…I must have left it back at the school."

"What?" Kitty was on the verge of tears. "I'm not supposed to be with a driver without a license! What kind of driving instructor are you?"

"I'm not a driving instructor!" Kelly snapped at her.  
"Sir I think you'd better step out of the car," The officer opened the door. 

"Officer you have to believe me," Kitty made wide eyes. "I thought he was supposed to teach me how to drive correctly. But how can he do that when he doesn't have a license?"

"I do so have a license I just don't have it on me!" Kelly shouted.

"Don't yell at me!" Kitty whined. 

"All right buddy," The cop snapped. "Hands on the hood and assume the position!" 

"Are you going to arrest me too officer?" Kitty sniffed.

"She should," Kelly snapped. 

"Don't worry kid we'll give you a lift home," The cop said bringing out her handcuffs. 

"If I could only expel her for this," Kelly moaned. 

Several hours later Principal Kelly's secretary Dorothy was going through his files when a very haggard Kelly slammed the door open. "Where have you been?" Dorothy asked. 

"SHUT UP AND GIVE ME A DRINK!" Kelly staggered in. 

"You promised me that you'd never touch that stuff again!" Dorothy said. "Right after that party you threw when you expelled the Brotherhood."

"I lied!" Kelly snapped rummaging around for some scotch. "Deal with it! Any calls while I was out trying not to die?"

"Yes," She sighed. "Two more students have been pulled out of Bayville High by their parents."

"Oh wonderful!" Kelly gulped down a drink. "Three guesses why!" 

"And Professor Xavier called."

"What the hell does he want?"

"He wanted to know how Kitty's driving lesson went," She said. At this Kelly let out a chilling laugh. "I take it that it did not go well." 

"That is the understatement of the year!" Kelly snapped. "Why the hell did he convince the Superintendent that I should be spending some time with those maniacs from the Institute anyway?" 

"Apparently he thinks that by spending time with his students it will convince you that not all mutants are bad," She told him. 

"It's convinced me that mutants should never get driver's licenses!" Kelly screamed. "That can't be all the scotch I have left! There's got to be more around here! WHERE'S MY SCOTCH? DID THOSE MUTANTS TAKE MY SCOTCH! I'LL GET THEM FOR TAKING MY SCOTCH! THEY WILL SUFFER FOR THIS!" 

Dorothy closed the door and went to her desk. She pulled out the missing scotch and took a stiff drink. "I have got to put in for a transfer or something," She muttered. "He's nuttier than the mutants!" 

****


	8. Nervous Wrecks

**Now this chapter is something we'd all like to see! **

**Nervous Wrecks**

"I love driving in the limo!" Kitty squealed as well as the tires. "Isn't this great Professor? I can help you with all your errands now!"

"Yes," Xavier was looking rather green. "Like writing a new will…" 

"Hey move it or lose it buddy!" Kitty honked the horn. 

"I'm already losing it," Xavier groaned under his breath. "Kitty please watch the road!" 

"Hey how about some music?" She turned on the radio. It blasted the latest boy band tune. "OOOH! I LOVE THIS SONG! CRANK IT UP!"

"Crank it down," Xavier moaned covering his ears. "Crank it down!" 

"And she'll have fun, fun, fun…" Kitty sang. "Until her daddy takes the T-Bird away!"

"I wish I could do that," Xavier muttered. "Hey I thought that was a Beach Boys tune?"

"It's a remake," Kitty told him as they flew over a pothole. "I think Hot Boyz R Cute sings it much better!" 

"Oh," Xavier groaned, not able to decide which nauseated him more, the ride or the name. "Kitty please watch the road. I don't want to get into an accident!"

"Relax Professor," Kitty reassured him, although with her driving it wasn't working.

"How can I relax?" He moaned. "You nearly ran a red light!"

"I did not! It was yellow! We had plenty of time."

"Kitty watch out!" 

"Don't worry! I have the right of wayyyyy!" Suddenly she crashed into a speeding limo coming in the other direction. 

"Are you all right Kitty?" Xavier moaned. 

"I think so," Kitty gasped.

"Good," Xavier moaned. "See if you can help me find my spleen." 

"What a total moron!" Kitty snapped. "What kind of driver doesn't look where he's going?" 

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING YOU MANIAC!" Pietro zipped out of the car and glared at Kitty.

"IT'S CALLED DRIVING YOU MORON!" Kitty stormed out of the limo.

"MORON? WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MORON YOU DITZ?" Pietro screamed. 

"DITZ! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A DITZ YOU ALBINO FREAK!" 

"Will you two please keep it down!" Magneto rolled down the window. "You are interrupting my hangover!"

"Erik?" Xavier blinked.

"Charles?" Magneto got out of the car and wobbled over.

"What are you doing here?" They both asked at the same time. 

"I so had the right of way!" Kitty snapped.

"Maybe in Fantasy Land but this is the real world sister!" Pietro snapped. 

"I did too!" Kitty snapped.

"Did not!" Pietro got in her face.

"Did too!" 

"Did not!" 

"Let me guess," Magneto sighed. "Driving lesson?"

"Uh huh," Xavier sighed. "You too?"

"Unfortunately," Magneto groaned. 

"I so had the right of way!" Kitty snapped. 

"Like I don't think so," Pietro mocked. 

"Let me guess," Xavier said. "Everyone else made you take him. Am I right?"

"Gee Charles did you have to read my mind to figure that out?" Magneto said sarcastically.

"Did not!"

"Did too!" 

"No lucky guess," Xavier said. 

"I'm starting to think that I locked up the wrong child," Magneto grumbled.

"You are such a jerk!" Kitty stomped on Pietro's foot.

"OW!" Pietro snapped. "That's it sister!" He slapped her lightly.

"I can't believe you did that!" Kitty kicked him in the shin. 

"Well believe this!" Pietro went to slap her again but Kitty phased through. "Hey!"

"Ha!" She stuck out her tongue at him. Then she sucker punched him in the stomach. 

"I'll make a deal with you," Magneto sighed. "I'll pretend this never happened if you will." 

"I agree completely," Xavier groaned. "You have any scotch?" 

"No but there's a bar over there," Magneto pointed. 

"Let's roll!" Xavier started to get out of the limo. 

By now both Kitty and Pietro were pulling at each other's hair and screaming. Kitty bit Pietro on the hand. "OW! I'VE GOT RABIES!" Pietro howled. "YOU ARE GOING DOWN SISTER!" 

"Do you think we should leave them like this?" Xavier asked as he wheeled himself over to the bar.

"Maybe we'll get lucky and they'll kill each other," Magneto said as he staggered into the bar. 


	9. Riding Along in My Automobile

**Riding Along In My Automobile**

The instructors of the Xavier Institute were having a private meeting in Xavier's study in order to go over the curriculum. At least that was the excuse they told the children. "I think we need to make a run to a package store pretty soon," Hank sighed as he downed his second glass of scotch. 

"Charles we have got to do something," Ororo moaned as she pressed her glass to her forehead. "Kitty is literally driving us all crazy!" 

"Yeah this is even worse than her muffin baking phase," Logan groaned. "And that's saying something."

"Wait a minute," Ororo looked at him. "I thought you were supposed to be giving a lesson to Kitty right now?"

"Fat chance," Logan pointed to the window. "I had a better idea." 

They all took a look at the front of the school out the window. "You're letting her drive alone?" Ororo gasped.

"Only on the Institute grounds," Logan said. "It was either that or ride with her again. Pass the scotch Chuck."

"I have to agree with Logan on this one," Xavier agreed as he gave him some more to drink. 

"I can't take much more of this," Hank moaned. "Hey where's the port?"

"We went through that last night," Xavier told him. "There's some vodka left." 

"There won't be anything left if this keeps up," Ororo moaned.

"Including our sanity," Hank sighed. "What about simulators? We could program them to be a car like we have one for the X-Jet." 

"Tried that," Logan growled. "She destroyed it. Too many crashes. Don't ask!" 

"What about that new car with the break on the instructor's side?" Xavier asked. "That should help."

"She wrecked that too," Hank moaned. "Actually I practically wrecked it with all the times I had to use it."

"But we just got that car yesterday!" Ororo yelped. 

"Oh look," Xavier sighed as he looked out the window. "She's driving on the lawn. See all the grass fly." 

"We're doomed aren't we?" Hank moaned. 

Unbeknownst to the X-Men Mystique had decided to do some spying. She had assumed the form of a squirrel and made her way across the front lawn. Her plan was to climb up one of the trees nearest to the Institute windows and break in. Unfortunately for her, the plan was about to change drastically.

"GET OUT OF THE WAY MR. SQUIRREL!" Kitty screamed as she tore down the lawn.

Mystique ran for her life. She tried to dodge the car but it was following her everywhere. She was fast in her squirrel form but she was not fast enough. She barely dodged the majority of the car only to get clipped. She rolled around and banged her head against the wall. 

"Not again…" She muttered as she staggered off back into the woods. 

Meanwhile Logan decided that it was time to find some new victims for Kitty to ride with. His nose led him to the hallway closet where Scott and Jean were hiding in. "Why are you two hiding in there?" Logan folded his arms.

"Would you believe we were making out?" Scott gulped.

"Uh…" Jean blinked. 

"I need you two to go to the store," Logan said. "Take Kitty with you."

"Couldn't you just set us up in a level 20 Danger Room scenario instead?" Scott moaned. 

"No!" Logan snapped. "Besides we need you two to go get some things from the store." He handed them a list. 

"Logan this is all alcoholic beverages," Scott pointed out.

"We're 18," Jean said.

"That's why I'm giving you these," Logan handed him some fake ID's.

"What?" Scott yelped. "These are fake IDs!"

"Very good," Logan said sarcastically. "You are learning."

"Wait a minute that's breaking the law!" Jean said. "What if the Professor finds out!"

"Who do you think had them printed up?" Logan snapped. "These are for emergencies! Now go get them."

"Getting alcoholic beverages is not an emergency!" Scott pointed out.

"Unless we're allowed to drink as well," Jean said. 

"Especially if we have to ride with Kitty!" Scott snapped.

"You have a point," Logan sighed. "Okay how about this, when you come back…"

"If we come back," Scott moaned. 

"When you come back," Logan shot him a look. "I'll let you two have some wine or something."

"It better be a pretty strong something," Scott muttered as they followed him outside. 

"Making out?" Jean asked sarcastically. 

"It was all I could think of!" Scott snapped. "What would you have suggested? Cleaning the closet?" 

Just then they saw a horrifying sight. The car was smashed up against the wall. "It wasn't my fault!" Kitty told them. "There was this squirrel in the way." 

"Oh darn," Jean said. "Guess the driving lesson's off! Bye! Run for it Scott!" The two dashed off. 

"Great," Logan held his head in his hands. "Just great!" 

Upstairs the remaining adults witnessed the crash. "Didn't we just fix that wall?" Hank moaned. 

"Yes we did," Xavier sighed as he poured himself another drink. 

**What will happen in the final chapter? Will the adults ever get more alcohol? Will they ever be safe from the driving menace? Find out as they get help from an unlikely hero! Coming up, Lance to the rescue! **


	10. Lance to the Rescue

**And now, the earth shattering conclusion! And with Lance around that's not just an expression. **

**Lance to the Rescue**

"Scott? Jean?" Kitty looked around the edge of the school. "Oh great! I thought sure I could catch them this time! Now I can't drive! And worse, I have to walk home."

She walked for a few minutes and turned a corner when she heard and felt a very familiar tremor. She saw Lance storm out of a nearby pizza place with a very angry look on his face. "Lance?" She asked walking up to him.

"Kitty?" All the rage disappeared from his face when he saw her. 

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"I was trying to get something to eat and some peace and quiet," He snapped. "Can't go anywhere without people hassling you for being a mutant."

"I know how you feel," Kitty sighed. "But you shouldn't let them get to you."

"I know but…" He blinked. "You talk like you still care about me."

"I never said I stopped caring about you," The words came out of her mouth before she thought. 

Lance shrugged bashfully. "What are you doing out here all alone?"

"School got out," She told him. "I was trying to get a ride with Scott and Jean but…"

"Wait! Are you telling me they ditched you?" He snapped. "Those jerks! Don't they know it's dangerous for mutants to walk alone."

"I am a big girl you know," Kitty told him.

"I know but still…" He looked uncomfortable. "Do you want a ride? I'll take you home."

It was then that a thought came into Kitty's head. "Actually…Lance you're 18 right?"

"Yeah," He shrugged. "Why?"

Kitty smiled. 

************************************************************************

"WHOA!" Kitty cried as they sailed over a speed bump. "I didn't know the jeep could go this fast!" 

"Yeah," Lance gulped, trying his hardest not to look nervous. "Got a lot more power than it looks. Boy Kitty you really love to drive don't you?" 

"Yeah. Lance you really are cool about this!" She said. "You don't complain nearly as much as Jean or Scott!" 

"Well I have ridden with both Tabitha and Pietro," Lance told her. "I think I'm getting used to it." He stifled the urge to scream when Kitty sped around the corner. 

"Wanna see something cool?" Kitty asked.

"Why not?" Lance gulped. 

"Here we go!" She used her powers to phase through a car and sped right through it. "What do you think?"

"Kitty…" Lance gasped. "That was…AMAZING!" 

"Told you!" Kitty laughed.

"Wow Kitty," Lance said. "I can't believe how wild that was! Do it again!"

"Okay!" She smiled. This time she phased through a building and sped right through it. "Great way to do a shortcut huh?"

"Yeah," Lance looked behind him. "That was cool! Just one little problem."

"What?"

"I don't think you should have phased through a doughnut shop," Lance pointed at the twelve police cars on their tail. 

"Oh no!" Kitty blinked. "We gotta pull over!" 

"Are you nuts?" Lance yelled. "Look I'll just create a hole and…"

"NO LANCE!" Kitty snapped pulling over. "It will be okay. It's not like we hurt anyone. You just talk to them and explain how I'm just learning to drive and show them your drivers' license and…"

"Driver's license?" Lance blinked. "What driver's license?" 

"YOU DON'T HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENCE?" Kitty screamed. 

"No, I always failed the class," Lance told her. "I just drive around without one." 

"WHAT?" Kitty screamed. "Oh god no!"

"What?" Lance blinked. 

A few hours later a very angry Kitty stormed out of the police station. "Lance you are such a jerk! I can't believe I got arrested because of you!" 

"How was I supposed to know you needed to be with a licensed driver?" Lance yelled. 

"Oh dear," Xavier smiled as he and Logan followed them. "Well you heard the nice police chief Kitty, no driving for a year!" 

"Lance I will never speak to you again!" Kitty stomped away.

"Kitty…" Lance moaned.

"Oh she'll get over it," Logan said. 

"I can't believe you helped me out of jail," Lance said. "You even got them to drop the charges. And get my jeep out of impound." 

"It was the least I could do," Xavier sighed. "Believe me! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!" 

****

"Yeah kid you saved our lives!" Logan sighed. "Thank you!" He gave him a bear hug.

"Uh…you're welcome," Lance gasped. 

"THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" Logan cried. 

"Okay I am seriously starting to get creeped out now," Lance gulped. "Please let go of me…I can't breathe!"

Needless to say Kitty was not very happy when they arrived home. But the adults were. "Break out the champagne!" Hank whooped as he grabbed a bottle. 

"I think I have just found the will to live again," Ororo sighed. 

"Well thank god that's over with for a while," Logan said.

Just then Bobby ran in. "Hey guys! Guess what! I'm getting my learner's permit! So when do I get to drive the limo?"

Xavier went pale. "That's nice Bobby. Excuse me please." He wheeled himself into his study and closed the door. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" 


End file.
